So all of my life, I knew something was perhaps different about me. I would see others socializing, having fun, playing. However, I could not do those same things the majority of the time. Noises that no one else hears, bother me intensely. Clothing is a constant source of stress, not for the looks, but the feel. And as of a few months ago, I finally found a reason. And a group of people who feel and act the same way. I found out what Aspergers Syndrome was, and relate very closely to it. While I have no official diagnosis, their is no doubt in my mind that this is me.
Lets start with one of my major problems, shall we? Sound. I hate any sound that is irregular, or of some certain pitch and tone. I can hear the irregularities in a fan motor, and they cause me to find a way to make it stop. Usually taping some of the vent where it blows out will cause the irregularity to go away. I can hear the buzzing of plug-in transformers, and it is painful! Going to a restaurant or nearly all public places faces me with a daunting task of dealing with all of these noises. The fluorescent lights humming, people laughing, talking, , and the various other noises that people make. They all make life very difficult, I cant simply tune them out, or ignore them. A quiet tap, is like a pounding hammer. Constantly distracting me, and causing a weird form of anger. A
Clothing has been a lifelong battle for me, one that is fought daily. Clothing, to most is a statement of their style, and who they are. To me, clothing is simply a daily annoyance. I dont really care what my clothes look like, so long as they are comfortable and they dont irritate me in any way. The seems, patches, fabric, and tightness are all contributers to how I feel. If my clothing doesnt feel good on my skin, my mood instantly goes bad, and I want nothing more than to be free of the bad feeling clothing. If my clothes are uncomfortable, I can not concentrate, work, or do much of anything. As a result of all this, I wear the same shirt and shorts on a daily basis. I get a lot of crap from others about this, but quite honestly they will never understand any of my reasoning. When I get a shirt, or shorts, or anything that "feels" good to me I hold onto it for life! I put my shirt and shorts on every day, knowing they are broken in, they wont poke or scratch my skin, and nothing about them bothers me. This alleviates a very large part of the daily stress I deal with. I will wear this clothing until it is battered, torn, and the fabric nearly see through from wear.
Social interaction is another huge issue for me. It has never come to me easily, and doesn't seem to get any easier through life. I have a huge craving for social interaction, but when i actually interact, I find myself wanting to run and hide from everyone. It is a never ending fight, one that results in me being alone the majority of the time. Which, is quite pleasant most of the time. I find that shopping late at night, is the best way to avoid a lot of these issues. So when I can, 24 hour stores are my favorite place to visit.
Since as far back as I can remember I have spent the majority of my time alone, doing solo things. I used to garden, build things, and various other activities most of the kids my age didn't do. I found them intriguing, always learning something new, and without the bother of people. I could do whatever I wanted, without fear of judgment and the prying eyes of others. To this day I still follow that same pattern. I hang out on line pretty much all day, I can get some socializing done this way, without the same fears that present themselves during real life meetings. The computer is my gateway to the world, without it, I am unsure where I would be.
When I do venture out into the real world, it is a constant fight. I always wonder why people look at me, what they are thinking about me, things of that nature. It makes me feel awkward. When I go places I avoid area with people, avoiding younger people with all possible effort. Young people intimidate me. When I go shopping I try not to go down isles where other people, or employees are. I don't like being approached by employees one bit, so they are avoided at all cost.
I enjoy shopping on line whenever possible, no human involvement at all. I can take my time, without worrying about bothering someone. I can research the item all I want. And of course I don't have to wait in lines, or deal with nearly any annoyance of the real world. I cant imagine life without the Internet!
All of these things have been a daily struggle for me, and for years I have searched on line to try and find people with the same issues, and struggles. Finally not too long ago I did find some answers. I found articles about others who fought clothing, and hated certain noises. These people understood how I felt. And it felt good to be understood!
Around this time is when I began posting on various Aspie boards, asking questions, seeking advice. The people were amazing, they all understood and could relate perfectly to what I was going through. Then I met a wonderful person on one of these boards, her name being Kate. Since that day Kate and I have been talking, chatting, and emailing fairly regularly. We speak nearly the same in our emails, and we often have a hard time distinguishing each another's emails. I had finally found someone who knew exactly what I was going through when I put on clothing, heard the ticking of a clock, or simply wandered aimlessly wherever. Shortly after meeting I even had to privilege of meeting her on a layover in Denver. A lot of driving, for a short meeting, but one of the best things I have done in a long time. Anyway, I mention Kate because she has helped me to understand this condition very well, and has written some amazing articles about Aspergers and living day-to-day with it. I would like to offer you the chance to read up on at least one of them, at this link:
http://www.asdrendrewolf.org/worldnews/kg/bodylotion101_01.htm
She does an amazing job of describing how she feels, and honestly exactly how I feel. So read it!
I also found an interesting article tonight, in another forum. Here are some excerpts, to help describe my day. This particular article is focused more on children with Aspergers, but the same applies to adults. :) Quoted from: http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/11-8-2005-80891.asp
"Asperger children are also overloaded from too many people (crowds), and some scenarios are shopping centers, school assembly/parade, public libraries, movie theatres, concerts, fairs, playgrounds in the park etc. They seem to soak in all the energy around them. Too much to smell, too much to listen to, too much to see, too much movement! "
-Crowds have long been a great fear of mine. I avoid them at all cost!
"Another source of overload for the Asperger child is voice, particularly tone of voice. Long before the words or message is decoded, the tone is instantly analyzed by the ASD child. Any hint of criticism or sarcasm is detected and taken personally. A critical tone is destructive, particularly when the Asperger child is not aware of the 'why'. The 'loop' effect can result in the Asperger child going over the statement long after the event took place. They try to analyze the scenario, and this causes an increase in anxiety, agitation and fear. "
- This has also been a long time issue for me, though until very recently I had no idea why.
"Most Asperger children find it traumatic to be looked at or stared at. Asperger children feel vulnerable; unable to protect themselves from prying eyes. Staring intrudes on their own private world, and these children feel powerless to deal with it. When Asperger children become over sensitized from staring they often think they are being stared at when they're not. Their obsessiveness takes over and "being stared at" can become a major source of bother. "
-Stare at me and I will be long gone very soon!
Ok I think thats about all the writing im going to do for now. Any questions please feel free to ask!
The "geek",
Justin
